 Senior SmilesToday is the oldest you've ever been, yet the youngest you'll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts !
Whose business is it, if I choose to read, or play, on the computer, until 4 AM, or sleep until noon?
Sure, over the years, my heart has been broken.
I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face.
So, to answer your question, I like being old. Are We the Ones Who are Aging and Suffering Dementia??"Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets . 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets...:( On Aging...Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved. What Say?Three gentlemen were sitting on the front porch of a Nursing Home. One said, "It sure is windy!" The second said, "No, it's Thursday." The third said, "Me, too. Let's go get a drink." (Thanks to David for submitting this Dec.2012) Mis-TakeHospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.' Memory Loss?Three seniors were discussing the short term memory problems that often come with aging. Senior #1: Just the other day I was midway on the stairs, when I couldn't remember if I was going upstairs to get something or coming downstairs to do something. Senior #2:: I know what you mean! Yesterday I was standing in front of the fridge with the door open and holding a jar of mayo. I couldn't remember if I was putting it back or taking it out to make a sandwich. Senior #3: Well, thank goodness that hasn't started happening to me yet--knock on wood. Oh!! Just a minute. Someone's at the door. 50th AnniversaryAt the church's marriage marathon, the minister asked Ralph on his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he managed to stay married to the same woman all these years. Ralph replied to the audience, "Well, I've treated her well, spent money on her, but mostly I took her traveling on special occasions." The minister inquired "Trips to where?" "For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Italy." The minister then said, "Italy, how nice. Ralph, you are a terrific example to all husbands. Please tell the audience what you are planning for your wife on your 50th anniversary?" Ralph said, "Well, I'm gonna go to Italy and bring her back." Be Careful!A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks,"Then....why do you buy them?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them !" It pays to be careful around little old ladies ! "The Senior Special"We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99. "Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs." "Then I'll have to charge you $2.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her. "You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Yes." "Then, I'll take the special." "Ok. How do you want your eggs?" "Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH US SENIORS...We've been around the block more than once!! Generational GapFor us Senior Citizens--(This probably didn't really happen, but it's funny!)
A self-important college freshman at a recent USC football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his own. 40th AnniversaryA 60 year-old couple was celebrating their 40 years of marriage. During the celebration a fairy appeared! "Because you have been such a loving couple all those years, I would like to give you each one wish." The wife quickly chimed in, "I want to travel around the world." The fairy waved her wand and, POOF! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a wife 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and, POOF! He was 90... - As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com Jake & SaulJake and Saul are two old retired widowers who reside close to each other and do constant welfare checks on each other. Much of their relationship is based on pragmatism rather than real friendship or personal affection. One day, as he drinks his morning coffee, Saul opens the morning paper and turns to the 'Obits' page. He gets the shock of his life when he sees his own obituary in the column. He realizes that the query for info on him by the local newspaper several months earlier, was in preparation for this event. He correctly surmises that it is a mistaken entry from their database, premature and erroneous..It still excites and rankles him, so he calls Jake up. "Jake, are you up yet?" Jake sleepily answers, "Yeah, but I'm only now starting my coffee." "Jake. open the newspaper to page 31." "Why, what's in the paper?" "Jake, get the paper and open it to page 31 NOW!" "Ok, Ok, I've got the paper here, so what's in page 31?" "Jake, open the paper to page 31 already!" "All right, don't be such a pain so early in the morning already. So, what's on page 31 that's so important?" "Jake, look at the bottom of column 4." "Why? What's that story on?" "Jake, read the story on the bottom of the column already!" "OK, OK, I'll start reading the column if you stop yelling in my ear!" The paper rustles for a few seconds, then a long silent pause ensues. Finally, Jake comes on the line quietly and fearfully, "So Saul, where are you calling me from right now?" Sharing EverythingA little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking...... "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!" The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He tooka sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking..... "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything. Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them,something to eat. This time the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again, he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again he finally asked a question of the little old lady. "Ma'am, why aren't you eating ? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?" She answered.... "the teeth". Driver's Education?Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back-wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver,an older, obviously confused, lady, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks with concern. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer", says the old woman, "We just got off Route 119." "Who's Driving?"Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,and both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing my mind, I swear we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again, and again they went right through. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red, but was really concerned that she was mistaken. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through. She turned to the woman driving and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?" "What did you say?"A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?" "To the kitchen" he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"she says. "Sure." he says. "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it." He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts. Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?
SGLY Ministry 1997
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