Blonde Jokes

From the album: Wall Photos by Casey Braden on Facebook

A blonde living alone decided to get two dogs to keep her company and guard her and her home.
She named them "Timex" and "Rolex"
When asked why she chose such unusual names, she sighed and said: "Well, what else could I name two watchdogs?"
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
A blonde and a redhead have a ranch.
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram."
She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word.
She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."
Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"
The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a park bench one night gazing at the moon.
One Blonde says: "Which do you think is farther away--Florida or the Moon?"
"Helloooo!!" says the Other Blonde. "Can you see Florida??!!"

Q:A blonde and a brunette fall off a building. Which hits the ground first?
A:The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
(Thanks to Jen for contributing this one.)
Two blondes were taking a trip to visit Disneyland.
On the way they saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left"
They both started to cry.
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' GO SEAHAWKS! '
And they say blondes are dumb....???
The Magic Mirror
Someone gave a blonde a magic mirror and told her that if anyone walked up to it and told a lie it would suck them in.
So one day the blonde was telling her co-workers about the mirror.
A brunette co-worker walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead heard about the mirror, so she walked up to it and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The blonde stood wondering about all of this...then she walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
It's fun to cook for Tom.
Today I made angel food cake.
The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately.
The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
Tom wanted a fruit salad for supper.
The recipe said serve without dressing.
That seemed strange to me but I figured I should follow the directions.
What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper and I was still in my robe and nightgown.
A good day for rice.
The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice.
It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.
I can't say it improved the rice any though.
Today Tom asked for salad again.
I tried a new recipe.
It said prepare ingredients, and lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.
When Tom came home he asked me why there was lettace all over our bed.
I found an easy recipe for cookies.
It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it.
There must have been something wrong with this recipe because when I got back, everything was the same as when I left.
Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
He asked me to dress it for Sunday. Gee, I sure had a hard time finding any clothes to fit it.
For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
Tom's folks came to dinner.
I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger.
Suddenly I had a flash of genius.!
I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
But, it still came out as hamburger much to my disappointment.
This has been a very exciting week.
I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom.
That is, if I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven because I would like to surprise him with chocolate moose.

  • --Blondes Year in Review
  • January- Took scarf back to store because it was too tight!!
  • February- Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.. "duh" bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!!
  • March- Got excited....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... box said 2-4 years.
  • April- Trapped on escalator for hours.... power went out!!!!
  • May- Tried to make Kool- Aid.... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.....
  • June- Tried to go water skiing...couldn't find a lake with a slope!!!!
  • July- Lost breast stroke swimming competition...learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!!!
  • August- Got locked out of car in rainstorm, car got swamped, because the top was down!!!!
  • September- The capital of California is "C"-- isn't it?????
  • October- Hate M&Ms ... they are too hard to peel!!!!
  • November- Baked turkey for 4-1/2 days... instructions said 1 pound per hour, and I weigh 108!!!
  • December- Couldn't call 911..."duh" there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!
  • WHAT A YEAR!!!!!!!!

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament trip.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top-level.
The Brunette team down below is really whooping it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn�t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
The brunette asked, �What's going on up here? We�re having a great time downstairs!�
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispers�
A blonde is speeding down a freeway when she is stopped by a highway patrol officer.
The officer asks if he can see her driver's license.
The blonde replies angrily, "I wish you guys would make up your minds!
Just yesterday one of you took away my license, and now today you expect me to show it to you!"
A blonde went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses. The Doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye while covering up the right eye.
The blonde was so mixed up on which eye was which, that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper lunch bag, cut a hole in it to see through, covered up the appropriate eye and asked the blond to then read the letters.
As he did so, he noticed the blonde had tears streaming down her face.
"Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about getting Glasses."
"I know," agreed the blonde, "But I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad Hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it To a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun with her. He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into the tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out, but it wasn't working.
The roommate rolled her eyes and said, "DUh!! Like Hello!! You need to roll up the windows first!"
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover.
The question was: "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds?
Is it: A) the condor; B) the buzzard; C) the cuckoo; or D) the vulture?"
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it, mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde.
But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand, the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said the host.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Yes, that is my final answer." replied the contestant.
The host said: " That answer is.........absolutely correct !! You are now a Millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars.
"Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant. "Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way--- how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on !" said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks !"
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street,so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they ! are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park ......" Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says ... "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke.
She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
"I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes.
I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."
Of course,one of the guys, said "I don't believe you.
What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N", she answered.
A blonde got lost in her car in a terrible snow storm.
She remembered what her dad had once told her,
"If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."
Pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it.
She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes.
Finally, the driver of the truck got out and asked her, "What are you doing?"
She explained, "My Dad told me, 'if you ever get stuck in a snowstorm , follow a snow plow.'"
The driver nodded and said:
"Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart parking lot. Want to follow me over to K-Mart?"
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood
. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.
"Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50
. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

  • ...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
  • ...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
  • ...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
  • ...she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
  • ...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
  • ...she thought cantaloupe was a marital problem
  • ...she thought General Motors was in the army.
  • ...she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
  • ...under "education" on her job application, she put " Hooked On Phonics."
  • ...she tried to drown a fish.
  • ...she tripped over a cordless phone.
  • ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
  • ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
  • ...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
  • ...she got locked in a grocery store and nearly starved to death.
  • ...she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
  • ...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
  • takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes."
  • ...if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
  • ...she studied for a blood test - and failed.
  • ...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
  • ...she sold the car for gas money.
  • ...when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted) she went home and got 16 friends.
  • ...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
  • ...she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
  • ...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
  • ...when she took me to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.



SGLY Ministry 1997

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