People Jokes
Some Jokes relating to just people in general. "Need Help?"A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife.. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know." The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes," comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.. ""Excellent Attendance""One company owner asks another: " So, tell me Sam, how come your employees are always on time for work in the mornings?" Sam replies: "Oh that's an easy one to answer. I have 30 employees and only 20 parking spaces." "Fire!"A guy calls the fire department and yells excitedly "You have to come right now! There is a fire!" "Okay sir, but please tell us, how do we get to you?" The man replies in a puzzled tone "What! You don't have them big red trucks anymore?" "Entirety"Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?" Man: "In the United States." Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?" Man: "My entire body." "Just Like Dad"Jane was admiring her best friend's newborn baby. "He sure favors his dad" she told her friend. "Oh yes, he surely does" the friend said, "He sleeps all the time, never talks, and has no hair." "How Many?"Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, You're the father of twins." "What a coincidence" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, That's really an incredible coincidence " he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." My buddies at work will never let me live this one down. An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turned to the 3rd man - who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the 4th guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him whispering repeatedly the same phrase over and over again. "I should have never taken that job at 7-Up...I should have never taken that job at 7-Up... I should have never taken that job at 7-Up..." "Revelation!"I have just figured out WHY I have gained so much weight! The shampoo I use in the shower everyday, that runs down my body, says �for EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY.� !! I think I will be going to the store tomorrow to buy some DAWN Dishwashing Liquid to wash with, because it says: �DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE" ! "The Job Interview"A man had an interview at a large company. In looking over his application the HR Representative said: "Well, in looking over your work history I see you have been fired from every job you have held!" "Yes." the man said "Well, how would you explain that?" said the HR Rep."There isn't much positive about that work history!" "Sure there is !" says the man. "It shows that I am not a quitter!" "A Most Wonderful Day!"One morning a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is today." "Of course I do!" the husband indignantly replied as he went out the door. At 11:00 that day the doorbell rang and when the woman answered it she was handed a box full of long stemmed red roses with a card that said: " From your loving husband." At 1:00 again the doorbell rang and she was handed a foil wrapped box of her favorite chocolates with another card stating " May this be the sweetest day of your life" from your loving husband. Later that afternoon, a boutique delivered a designer dress to her. The woman was so ecstatic she could hardly wait for her husband to come home. When he walked in the door she ran up to him and said " Oh honey! First the flowers, then the candy and then the beautiful dress! Thank you so much! I have never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my whole life!" "Touche!"A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen and started saying: "Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! They need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said BE CAREFUL!! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied, " Well...I just wanted to show you what I feel like when I'm driving with you in the car!" "Geneology?"A little girl asked her mother, 'How did the human race appear?' The mother answered, 'God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made.' Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, 'Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.' The confused girl returned to her mother and said, 'Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God and Dad said they all developed from monkeys?' The mother answered, 'Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.' "Can't Take It With You?"There was a man who had worked all of his life, and had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, and she went over to the casket and put it in. Then the undertaker locked the casket down, and rolled it away. Her friend said, "Girl, now I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?" The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put all the money in the casket with him." "You mean to tell me that you really did it !!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my checking account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it." "Good Answer"A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup." "Something Borrowed"All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. When they reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter Even the minister smiled broadly. For, as her father gave her away in marriage,the bride gave him back his credit card. "Express Lane"I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming because a woman ,completely ignoring the " Express Lane--6 Items Only" sign, slipped into the check-out line ahead of me, pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, and looking into her cart, asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?" "Doctor Visit"A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical and the nurse starts with certain basic items. "How much do you weigh?" she asks. "115," she says. The nurse puts her on the scale and it turns out her weight is 140. The nurse asks, "Your height?" "5 foot 8," she says. The nurse checks and tells her that she only measures 5' 5". The nurse then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high. "Of course it's high!" the woman screams, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!" "The Christmas Present"A guy asks his girlfriend what she would like for a Christmas present. "A fast sports car" she replies. "Why do you want that?"he says."Because, I want something that will go from 0 to 200 in a few seconds" she says. He gives her a bathroom scale. "Dreamy"A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight." he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it--only to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams". "Mom?"A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving this store, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!' ? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. and as the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" Then he stepped up to the checkout counter and he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk. "Unhealthy Food?"A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most all of us have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?" A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake." "It's All in How it's Said"An English professor wrote the words "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing." The women wrote: "A woman: Without her, man is nothing." "Time Saver?"An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked someone from the back of the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips to the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying just a single item at a time. 'Hon,' I suggested, 'Why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" The voice from the back asked, "Did it save time?" The expert replied, "Actually, yes. It used to take her 20 minutes to get breakfast ready. Now I do it in seven"� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � �� "In Control"A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest. He had no trouble with discipline that term. "Who's the Boss?"The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!" "The Value of Knowledge"There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later his company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day he marked a small x in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is". The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
"The Atheist"An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear; right on top of him; reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out " Oh my God!..." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The Atheist looked directly into the light and said: "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw.....brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful. Amen." "Oops!"A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon." Alarmed by what was being said, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago." Then the manager drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way. Now, what was it she wanted?" "Rain." "Optimist vs Pessimist"One day the sun was shinning brightly and the optimist said, "Great day, eh?" The pessimist said, "The stupid sun will burn the crops." The next day it rained. Again the optimist tried to engage his friend, but the pessimist's only response was: "Stinking rain will wash out all the seed!" So the optimist took his friend duck hunting, which he loved. After the first duck was shot the optimist dispatched his dog to fetch the duck. The dog ran on top of the water, picked up the duck and ran back. The optimist exclaimed "Did you see that?" The pessimist replied, "Dog can't swim, eh?" "The Little Guy"A small store owner was being pressured to sell his store to the owners of a large department store who had bought every building on the block, except his. Frustrated by the man's refusal to sell, they eventually opened their huge store on either side of the small one, with a big banner running from one side to the other, proclaiming in huge letters "GRAND OPENING". Below it, across the front of his small store, the man put up a small banner over his door: "MAIN ENTRANCE" - As told by LaughALot@editors.crosswalk.com "Emergency!"Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency. So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore." So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television. She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes." "Check-Up"A man walks into a Doctor's Office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. "Whats the matter with me?", he asked. "You're not eating properly", replied the Doctor. "Hi Ho Silver"The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a resturant and sat down to order. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do...Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel alot better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the resturant to finish ordering. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts in and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?" The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,... "Nothin' - but you left your Injun runnin'." "A Conversation with God"A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God. "God", he said, "How long is a million years?" God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute." The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?" God answered, "To Me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?" God answered, "In a minute." --Source unknown "So Brave!"The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with." "I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?" Mr. Miller turned to his wife..."Show him your tooth, Honey." "Mystery Solved"Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a glass of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes said. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent." "What Smells?"A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other. The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fianc�e, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them." "No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed." Well, to him this seemed a workable solution. The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem up her mom. "Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful." "Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning." "No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me." Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed. Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try. The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later. Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?" "Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!" - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com "New Hiccup Treatment?"A woman went to doctors office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was *pregnant*?" The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "I cured her hiccups though, didn't I?" - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com "Workin' Hard"A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?" "Well, we work for the county," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work." "The Fair Deal?"Every year,Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair. And every year, Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year, Martha would reply, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. " Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed, and up they went. The pilot performed all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He even does a nose dive, pulling up 15 feet above the ground, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, ...but ten dollars is ten dollars!" - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com "Who's Perfect?"There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship,they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
"A Classic Essay"This classic is purported to be an actual essay written by a college applicant to NYU, in response to the following question:
(Note: The above essay was in fact written by a high school student named Hugh O'Neil Gallagher, who entered it into the 1990 Scholastic Art & Writing Awards competition (which it won!) It was first published in 1990 in Literary Calvalcade, a magazine of contemporary student writing (and later reprinted in Harper's, The Guardian Chicken Soup for the College Soul, "Futures" magazine (distributed by the Office of the Secretary of Defense - Spring '99), and a CD called "First Words" ...not to mention its longevity on the net! He did include it in several college applications, but whether or not it was responsible for getting him admitted to NYU is debatable, but he did, in fact, graduate from NYU in '94 and publish his first novel, "Teeth", '98. For more info, see http://graceweb.org/links/gallagher ) taken from Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com "Sentenced!"A lawyer defending a man convicted of burglary tried this creative appeal: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied.
The defendant smiled. "True Confession"The husband said: "The last fight was my fault. My wife asked what's on TV and I said dust."
"A Wacky Story"A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. So, he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. She asks his name and the frog says his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's okay, he knows the manager. Patty explains that $30,000. is a substantial amount of money and that he will need some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog named Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant and says: "I mean, what the heck is this?" So the bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." "Magic?"A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days. After a week the parrot finally said: "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat ? "The Last Laugh"A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch, and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three motorcycles pulled up outside. The bikers came in, and one grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word. He simply got up, paid the cashier, and left. When he was gone, other motorcyclists snickered to one another and congratulated each other on being so "bad." As the cashier walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the cashier replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles." - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com "Whoosh!"A hip young man goes out and buys a 1999 Ferrari GTO -- the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin, and while stopping for a red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies, "A 1999 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a half million dollars!" "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right!" Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!" the young man asks himself. WHHHOOOOOSSSHHH! It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! And it almost looked like the old man on the moped! "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! WHHHOOOOSH-KA-BOOOOM!!! He is jolted back as it plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man!!! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the old man and says "You're badly hurt! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man weakly looks up and replies, "Yes there is, son. Could you please unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!" - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
"Could You Repeat That?"A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men,showed her a study which indicated that men use on the average only 15,000 words a day, where as women use 30,000 words a day. She thought about this for awhile and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say. He said, "What?" - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com Teacher: "Did you know it takes 10 sheepto make 1 sweater?" Student: "I didn't know that sheep could knit !" "Poof!"A secretary, a paralegal, and a partner in a big law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary.
"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal.
"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. Mikeys-Funnies@youthspecialties.com (Mikey's Funnies) "People are like Potatoes!"
"Big Chief Forget-Me-Not"An Australian travel writer at the beginning of a 6-month tour of Canada was checking out of the Vancouver Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory to the test. "'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Vancouver Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick "How?" said the Aussie to the Chief, who again did not stop to look up. "Scrambled," said the Chief. - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "Ashes to Ashes"Stacey makes a new friend at school and invites her home for the first time. Stacey excuses herself to fetch her Mom and introduce her new friend. As her friend is standing in the living room next to the fireplace, she picks up the attractive vase on the mantle. When Stacey returns with her mother, her friend is staring curiously into the vase. "Oh, those are my father's ashes," Stacey informs her new friend. This so startles the friend, that she drops the vase with a "gasp!" -- ashes and broken vase scattering all around. After turning three shades of red she stammers out, "Oh, no... I'm, oh!... I, can't... didn't mean to.." "It's OK dear," the mother says. "The vase was just from Wal-Mart." The new friend catches her breath enough to say, "But... but your husband's ashes..." "Well," the mother says, "looks like he'll just have to quit being so lazy and use the ashtray in the kitchen from now on!" - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "Doggone It!"There were two buddies one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us." The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed." The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?" He says, "Yes, they're using them now, they're very good." The man at the door says, "Come on in." The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in. Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed." The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?" The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? They gave me a Chihuahua?!" "Too Slow for Snow"Snow White received a camera as a gift. She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc. She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.
"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk.
"Come back next week", he said to her.
The clerk, trying to console her, (and wanting to relax the other
customers, who were already starting to shift uncomfortably, so they
didn't bolt from the store) said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear...
Someday your prints will come." "Deputy Quiz"The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer (who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket) went in to try out for the job. "OK," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" "11" he replied. The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right." "What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" "Today and tomorrow." He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. "Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute, and finally admitted, "I don't know." "Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" So Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great--first day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" -As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "Amazing Diet"Mr. Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him in a diet; "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When Mr. Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 60 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" Mr. Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." - As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "What's the Cost?"A man is told by his doctor that he is dying of an inoperable brain tumor, with only weeks to live. "We do have hope," the doctor says. "We can attempt a brain transplant. However, it is very experimental, and very expensive." "How much would it cost me?" the patient asks. "Normally a man's brain transplant is $100,000. You are in luck, we have a woman's brain available, and that one is only $10,000." Confused the man asks, "Why is the man's brain so expensive?" The doctor replies, "Because the woman's brain has been used." "Just kidding guys !!"
- As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "A New Beat"A squad car cop was passing through a town in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant from his district covering the beat. He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it? "That it is," Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested Judge Ito on his way to the masquerade ball." "You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat. "How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" Mike shrugged. "Com'on! Everybody knows you should never book a judge by his cover! Taken from: laughalot-owner@laughalot.com "Just Doing His Duty?"A rookie police officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small crowd standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner." No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner!" Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" Pretty good, " replied the veteran, "especially since this is a bus stop." Author and Source Unknown "Caller ID?"A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!" "White Lies""Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees. "Yes sir." the new recruit replied "Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you." (Submitted by Delbert Meyer-EPrayer Daily Devotional) "Can't Win!"A Texas farmer was talking with a farmer from Oklahoma. Texan: "How big is your farm?" Oklahoman: " Oh, its big ! Better than a thousand acres " Texan ( not to be outdone) " Let me tell you about my farm ! I can get into my pickup at sunup, head west, and by sundown I'm still on my land !" Oklahoman: " You know ! I had a pickup like that once ! " author unknown " A Professional"A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was the school nurse: Her son had some down with a high fever and would she come and take him home? The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her to take him to the doctor. Seeing her son like that - his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with perspiration - frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right away." By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall, she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and rushed back to the car . . . . . . which was locked. Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went dead. She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger - which turned out not to be easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW, Lord. Amen." She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a t-shirt and ragged jeans, got out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of these?" He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car." Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it - it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open. When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a Christian." He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday." She jumped at him and she hugged him again - fiercely. "Bless God!" she cried. "He sent me a Professional!" ~~ author unknown "Name Game"A man was rushing his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital. He was so nervous and disoriented, he pulled up to the emergency room and rear-ended an ambulance! Though a very minor bump, he actually passed out from the stress! Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother (a relentless world-class practical joker) sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and both you and your wife were unconscious so I named them for you." The husband's heart jumped up into to his throat, thinking, "Oh no, what has he done now?" He nervously asked his brother, "W-w-well, what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." "Really?!? Oh! Well, that's a very pretty name!" the husband said, his relief showing as he sat up "And what did you name my son?" "Denephew." - As told by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org Thanks to Laugh-A-Lot! member Michael H. for today's joke! "Last Wish"Three prisinors are captured in the war, and are about to be executed. They are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
"ALL IN A TRAVEL AGENTS DAY..."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about
passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express card."
Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank---proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too !
SGLY Ministry 1997
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