Tech Jokes


TECH JOKES

  • Ten reasons you know you're living in 2009
  • 1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  • 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
  • 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  • 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  • 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
  • 6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
  • 7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
  • 8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
  • 9. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
  • 10. You're reading this and nodding and laughing. :)

    Ever wonder why DOS never says:
    " Excellent command or filename" !

    To: Management From: Systems Group
    Re: Y-to-K Date Change Project Status

    We are pleased to report that our staff has completed the 18 months of "Y-to-K" work, on time, and on budget.
    We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.
    We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives,
    and completely modified dates in all software and all data to reflect your new standards, as such:
    * Months: Januark,
    Februark
    Mak,
    Julk
    * Days: Sundak,
    Mondak,
    Tuesdak,
    Wednesdak,
    Thursdak,
    Fridak,
    Saturdak

    Our team is glad to help in any way possible, although honestly, the urgency of this "Y-to-K" project has not made much sense to us, with all push to complete this before the year 2000.
    Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two-digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?
    That could cause some problems.
    Regards,
    System Group
    - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com

    Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good paying job.
    The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
    "22," Rick replied.
    After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator
    (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!)
    and realized he wouldn't get the job.
    About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job!
    Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very curious.
    So,the next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.
    The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."
    --As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com

    Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked the hot-shot young Engineer, fresh out of MIT,
    "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
    The engineer cooly said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

    The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - for starters, say, a red Corvette?"

    The engineer tried to control his excitement, but sat straight up and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

    "Yeah," the interviewer shrugged, "But you started it."
    - As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com

    My friend went to her mail box several times before it was even time for the mailman to make his rounds.
    A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to the curb and asked if she was waiting for a special delivery.
    My friend looked at the neighbor and said:
    "No, My computer keeps telling me I have mail"

    I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked.
    She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car.
    Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery for this?"
    "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
    I took the key and manually unlocked the door,

    Tech Support: "What does the screen say now."
    Person: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
    Tech Support: "Well?"
    Person: "How do I know when it's ready?"

    My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his address from Texas to Vermont.
    The woman who took the call asked where Vermont was
    . As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?"

    Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift
    . One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
    "Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    • NEW VIRUS WARNING
    • (I am assuming this is a joke ! )
    • If you receive a message with a subject line of "Badtimes," delete it immediately WITHOUT reading it. This is the most dangerous virus yet.
    • It will re-write your hard drive. Not only that, but it will scramble any disks that are even close to your computer (20' range at 72 degrees Fahrenheit).
    • It will recalibrate your refrigerator's coolness setting so all your ice cream melts and milk curdles.
    • It will demagnetize the strips on all your credit cards, reprogram your ATM access code, screw up the tracking on your VCR and use subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you try to play.
    • It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's number.
    • It will hide your car keys when you are late for work and interfere with your car radio so that you hear 1940's hits and static while stuck in traffic.
    • It will give you nightmares about circus clowns. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretation of key sentences.
    • "Badtimes" will give you Dutch Elm disease.
    • It will rewrite your back-up files, leave the toilet seat up and leave the hairdryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.
    • It will not onlyremove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, but refill your skim milk with whole.
    • It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
    • These are just a few signs. Be very, very afraid.
    • Be warned. --- Curtis Patterson---

    At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon."

    In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating (by Mr. Welch himself):
    If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

    1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day.

    2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car.

    3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this restart and drive on.

    . 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

    5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.

    6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five percent of the roads.

    7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light.

    8. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.

    9. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna.

    10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more.
    Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

    11. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

    12. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.

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