Funny Things Kids Say & Do


"Nosey Question"
Teacher asked: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Student answered: Because then it would be a foot!


"Seasonal Q and A"
Teacher asked: What is the cutest season?
Student answered: Awwtumn

"What's the Difference?"
Science Teacher: "What is the difference between electricity and lightning?"
Student: "We don't have to pay for lightning!"
"Grandmother's Childhood Memories"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond and I had a swing made from a tire, it hung from a tree in our front yard.
We rode our pony and we picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
"Guess What I Learned in School Today!"
A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool.
"That's interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
"Like God?"
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''
"You're both old," he replied.
"Happy Birthday?"
My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.
My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
"A Logical Explanation?"
Little Gordie, age 4, came home covered in mud from head to toe.
"Gordie! Look at you!" his mother exclaimed.
"Tell me Gordie, how do little boys get so dirty?"
Gordie thought a moment and then replied, "I guess it's 'cause we're so close to the ground."
"It's OK Mom"
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son open the kitchen door.
She shouted "Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; it's just been waxed."
Jimmy walked right in saying:"It's OK Mom, I'm wearing my cleats."
"WHAT IS A GRANDPARENT?"
(taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)
  • Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own but they like other people's.
  • A grandfather is a man and a grandmother is a lady!
  • Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them.
  • Grandparents are so old they shouldn't play hard or run but it is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.
  • Grandparents take us for walks and they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillers.
  • Grandparents show us things and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on the sidewalk "cracks."
  • Grandparents don't say, "Hurry up."
  • Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.
  • Grandparents wear glasses and they can take their teeth and gums out.
  • Grandparents always have time to answer our questions and they always know all the right answers to everything because they have lived a long time.
  • When grandparents read to us, they don't skip and they don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.
  • Grandparents know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when we've acted bad.
  • Everybody should try to have grandparents, especially if you don't have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

"No Shoving"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But!--please don't shove me either!"
Black & White?"
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." said the mother.
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So then, why is the groom wearing black?"
"Left-Handed?"
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and He did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him, "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!

"The Flight to Egypt"
Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The flight to Egypt," said Kyle.
"I see ... And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius-the Pilot." said Kyle.
"White Hair"
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and asked, Why are some of your hairs white, Momma?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how comeALLof Grandma's hairs are white?"
"A New Twist to an Old Tale"
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night.
Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first- grade class. The teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home.
She said, "And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and asked, 'Pardon me, sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"
Then the teacher asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
My friend's son, remembering his dad's humorous rendition of the story, raised his hand and said, "I know! I know!
The man said: 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"
"My Country"
The kindergarten teacher was showing her class an encyclopedia page picturing several national flags.
She pointed to the American flag and asked, "What flag is this?"
A little girl called out, "That's the flag of our country."
"Very good," the teacher said. "And what is the name of our country?"
"'Tis of thee," the girl said confidently.
"In Sympathy"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you are stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher was surprised, but realized this was an opportune moment to help a child.
"Do you think you're stupid, Johnny?" she asked.
"No, ma'am," Johnny replied, "but I hated to see you standing there all by yourself!"
- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
"First Grade Proverbs"
A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
Their insight may surprise you.
  • Better to be safe than......Punch a 5th grader
  • Strike while the ..........Bug is close
  • It's always darkest before.....Daylight Savings Time
  • Never underestimate the power of....Termites
  • You can lead a horse to water but........how?
  • Don't bite the hand that........looks dirty
  • No news is...............impossible
  • A miss is as good as a.........Mr.
  • If you lie down with dogs, you'll....stink in the morning
  • The pen is mightier than the............pigs
  • An idle mind is...........The best way to relax
  • Where there's smoke there's.........pollution
  • Happy the bride who...........gets all the presents
  • A penny saved is...............not much
  • Two's company, three's..........the Musketeers
  • Children should be seen and not...spanked or grounded
  • If at first you don't succeed.....get new batteries
  • You get out of something what you..see pictured on the box
  • When the blind leadeth the blind......get out of the way
  • Laugh & the whole world laughs w/you,cry and....you have to blow your nose

"The Ring Bearer"
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side).
While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said,
"I was being the Ring Bear."
"A Fig Leaf?"
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered:
"I think it's Adam's suit"
No Laughing Matter"
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing loudly.
His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother.
"I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that.
Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
"Mistaken Identity?"

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her shopping basket
. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no."
The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly,
"Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle.
Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy.
When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry.
The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today.
The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her.
"I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..." he said.

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen." she said.
- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com


"Back Seat Driver?"
Junior had just received his brand new drivers license.
To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive.
Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive,"
said the beaming boy to his ol' man. "Nope," came dad's reply,
"I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."
- As told by Owner-LaughALot@ListFarm.com
"ICE CREAM IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL"
Last week I took my children to a restaurant.
My six-year-old son asked if he could say grace.
As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good. God is great. Thank You for the food, and I would even thank You more if mom gets us ice cream for dessert. And Liberty and justice for all! Amen!"

Along with the laughter from the other customers nearby I heard a woman remark,
"That's what's wrong with this country. Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice-cream! Why, I never!"

Hearing this, my son burst into tears and asked me, "Did I do it wrong? Is God mad at me?"
As I held him and assured him that he had done a terrific job and God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table.

He winked at my son and said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer."
"Really?" my son asked.
"Cross my heart." he said.
Then in a theatrical whisper he added indicating at the woman whose remark had started this whole thing,
"Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is good for the soul sometimes."
Naturally, I bought my kids ice cream at the end of the meal.
My son stared at his for a moment and then did something I will remember the rest of my life.
He picked up his sundae and without a word walked over and placed it in front of the woman.
With a big smile he told her,"Here, this is for you.
Ice cream is good for the soul sometimes, and my soul is good already."


"My Dog Has Fleas"
My daughter was out in the kitchen with my two grandsons after just finishing lunch and the salt and pepper shakers were still on the table.
The 5yr old got the Play-Doh out and he and his 4yr old brother were making things with it,
The 5yr old decided he would make a dog out of the Play-Doh. His mother said that would be nice and told him to do the best he could. A short time later she heard him proudly proclaiming "Great! I can even use pepper for the fleas!"
Who's Who?"
A mother was preparing pancakes for her son Kevin, and his younger brother Ryan.
The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake (because they're boys), and the mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.
She taught them, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin's eyes got really big, then he turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
- As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com
"Don't Look Back"
A young boy was being taught the story of Sodom and Gomorrah one morning in Sunday School.
The teacher was explaining how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt.

The story evidently sat well with the boy because he excitedly raised his hand at the conclusion of the story and told his teacher, "My mom did the same thing last week. She was driving down the road, looked back, and turned into a telephone pole."
- As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com

"Mom's Observations"

  • "Boys" rhymes with "noise".
  • What's worse than watching Mr. Rogers with your kids?
    Watching Mr. RogersWITHOUTthem.
  • They trick you with your first baby: You think that your labor ends when you have the baby but that is when it BEGINS!
  • Legos will put severe bruises on the arches of your feet if they are placed on the floor at random all around the house.
    This usually occurs when you are already mad about something else,and on your way to deliver a scolding or spanking.

"AN EIGHT-YEAR OLD EXPLAINS GOD"
One of God's main jobs is making people.
He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.
He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.
I think because they are smaller and easier to make.
That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk,
He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
God's second most important job is listening to prayers.
An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime.
God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV on account of this.
Since He hears everything, not only prayers, there must be a terrible lot of noise in His ears, unless He has thought of a way to turn it off.
God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere, which keeps Him pretty busy.
So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.
Atheists are people who don't believe in God.
I don't think there are any in Chula Vista
. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
Jesus is God's Son
. He used to do all the hard work like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God.
They finally got tired of Him preaching to them and they crucified Him
But He was good and kind like His Father and He told His Father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said OK.
His Dad (God) appreciated everything that He had done and all His hard work on earth so He told Him He didn't have to go out on the road anymore,
He could stay in heaven.
So He did.
And now He helps His Dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones He can take care of himself without having to bother God.
Like a secretary, only more important, of course.
You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to hear you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the times.
You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God.
Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach
. This is wrong!
And, besides, the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.
If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely,
because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp,
but God can.
It is good to know He's around you when you're scared in the dark or when you can't swim very good and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.
But you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you.
I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases. And that's why I believe in God."
--Written by Danny Dutton, age 8, from Chula Vista, California, for his third grade homework assignment to "Explain God."
"A Lesson Learned"
A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.
"Don't be angry," the Mother says,
"Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."
A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.
This time the sister is bawling.
Her brother says... "Now she knows."
- As told by laughalot-owner@laughalot.com
"Who's Scared?"
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
"Lost Mind?"
On one particularly hectic day when my three children were small, I'd come to the end of my rope.
"I've lost my mind!" I exclaimed.
My four-year-old son, Stephen, piped up,
"Did you look under the couch?"
--Yolanda Derstine, Missouri
"God's Wife?"
It's a cold day in December...New York City.
A little boy about 10-years-old was standing before a shoe store on Broadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the boy and said,
"My little fellow, why are you looking so earnestly in that window?"
"I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes," was the boys reply.
The lady took him by the hand and went into the store, and asked the clerk to get a half dozen pairs of socks for the boy.
She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel.
He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with a towel.
By this time the clerk had returned with the socks.
Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she then purchased him a pair of shoes, and tying up the remaining pairs of socks, gave them to him.
She patted him on the head and said, "No doubt, my little fellow, you feel more comfortable now?"
As she turned to go, the astonished lad caught her by the hand, and looking up in her face, with tears in his eyes, answered the question with these words: "Are you God's wife?"
[forwarded by Patt Gray]
"Labeled?"
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied, "I think it's printed on the bottom."
"Wrong Feet?"
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed the left was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I KNOW they're my feet!"
"Help?">
On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"
"The Seal"
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal to see if he is broken."
"One Question"
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "And what happened to the flea?"
"The Lord's Prayer"
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord's Prayer
She was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother.
She said, "And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN"
"Just Half"
My four year old Grandson had a one dollar bill he wanted to spend.
I took him to the thrift store and he found a toy he wanted that cost 50 cents.
He asked me if it would take his whole dollar and I told him "No, only half of your dollar"
At the checkout he proudly gave the cashier half of his dollar bill that he had torn in two.
"Kids' Letters to God"
  • Dear God, In Sunday School they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - Jane
  • Dear God, I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying. - Elliot
  • Dear God, Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - Darla
  • Dear God, I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. - Margret
  • Dear God, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? - Norma
  • Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? - Jane
  • Dear God, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. - Jane
  • Dear God, Thank You for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - Joyce
  • Dear God, Why is Sunday School on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. - Tom L.
  • Dear God, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. - Bruce
  • Dear God, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. - Danny
  • Dear God, Of all the people who work for You, I like Noah and David the best. - Rob
  • Dear God, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So, I bet he stoled Your idea. Sincerely, Donna
  • - Sent by laughalot-owner@graceweb.org--Original Source Unknown

"Morning Coffee"
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning.
He had made her coffee.
She drank what was the one of the worst cups of coffee in her life.
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?"
Her grandson said,
"Grandma, it says on TV - 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"

"Brotherly Love?"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

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