I have made some very poor decisions in my past.
I've lied to people (about many things, including my sexuality),
I've used people to get what I want, and I've hurt people (including myself) both physically and emotionally.
I believe we pay a price for our poor behavior.
Since making these choices, I have experienced severe social anxiety (to the point where I couldn't even look out my bedroom window or walk to the mailbox for fear that someone was watching me and judging me), loneliness, and often times cruelty by complete strangers in public.
One night, I felt I was being treated poorly, and I broke down and asked for God to help me. I don't think I'd turned to God in over three years.
The next evening, my family and I went out to eat at a restaurant.
On the car ride there, we witnessed something that I hadn't seen in the nineteen years that I've lived here (and I drive on this in-town road at least a few times a week).
A large herd of deer (twenty or so) had lined up on each side of the road, just standing there. I believe we had witnessed a miracle.
At the restaurant,instead of constantly worrying about my social anxiety like usual, I was able to focus (for the very first time I believe) on just enjoying the company of my family and conversing.
Not only that, it happened to be someone's birthday at the restaurant, and everyone joined in singing Happy Birthday.
I'd never felt that SAFE in public before. I knew God was with us.
I chose to watch the movie "The Sound of Music" the following week.
The fact that I chose this movie out of all of the movies we own is a miracle to me, because one line in it, "To do God's will," is a line I now live my life by.
A couple weeks later (roughly),the thought occurred to me that apologizing to those I'd hurt or offended in the past was the right thing to do.
My first apology (if I remember correctly) was to a relative of mine.
I had said something terrible to them a few years prior, and was up one night thinking about it.
I had a horrible sensation in the pit of my stomach that night, perhaps due to the guilt I felt over what I had said.
They had already gone to bed, so I debated whether or not I should wake them up
I paced back and forth between our rooms, hesitant and nervous.
Finally, I went to my room, laid down on my bed, and thought to myself, "I can either wake them up and apologize, or I can go to bed."
At that precise moment,a loud crack of thunder broke the silence, the ONLY thunder I can recall from the entire night (there had been lightning earlier, but without thunder).
Immediately, I went to their room, asked to speak with them, and apologized to them.
My stomach felt better after that. I believe God was urging me to apologize, another miracle.
The following week, I made a series of apologies one night to people I had lied to, used, and hurt in the past.
The movie "Sister Act" happened to be on TV that night, from which I learned one of my new favorite songs regarding the Lord.
Another miracle, I believe.
The next day, I went to the bank.
There were six (I believe) drive-through lanes, all of which (if I remember correctly) were full before me.
I got in line behind a vehicle in one of the middle lanes.
The teller at the lane I chose was named Christi.
This also reminded me that Christ is everywhere.
A few days later, a friend contacted me to see if I wanted to get together and talk about our faith.
We met up, and I told them about how I had been saved by God.
I also mentioned something that I was wondering about in the Bible, and they said that they had had a conversation on that EXACT SAME TOPIC just TWO DAYS AGO with their friend.
The next day, I was curious how a certain song I liked related to God.
I did a Google search, and clicked on the first link.
The author of the website was named Mary.
More recently, I apologized to other people I'd hurt or offended, and after doing so, I found Mourning Doves on our lawn.
A few days back, I thought I'd finished making amends with the past.
I thought I felt good for a while.
Then all of a sudden, a wave of panic came over me.
I walked around and found a spider on the floor.
It kind of freaked me out, and I believe God wanted my attention.
He wanted me to write this testimony for all to hear, I believe.
I saw a Cardinal while I was running the other day.
Yesterday, I was having issues with my faith, and I hoped I would see another Cardinal on my run again, as a sign from God.
I didn't see a Cardinal on my run, but one flew in front of my car on my way home.
Everything I've written has happened within the span of a little over a month.
I have no reason to lie about any of this.
Some Bible verses that I like are:
--Matt-- April 2011
"God has perfect knowledge of us, and all our thoughts and actions are open before him." (Ps 139:7)
"Never will I leave you or forsake you." (Heb 13:5)